Ahzi has at least one award to collect in gcma. Haha. Top 5 most popular female artiste. But that's only the tip of the iceberg.

Went studying with fish n pw yesterday at je lib. It felt good studying there again. It's like the crazy period of 'A' levels when Juan and I will queue up at the library at 10am (or issit 9am?) to chiong upstairs to the 2nd level tables. Those were the days. I was still a good student, mugging hard, playing hard. Perhaps I'm the kind of person who needs people pushing me so that I can work hard. Teachers (good, nice teachers), and friends who are competitors at the same time. I remember Nicholas in sec4. Whenever we get our results back, no matter for a big exam or a class test, he'll compare results with me. Haha. Although he seldom wins, it was still a motivational force to push me. I really enjoyed my sec4 days. We'll had all the cliques (the 'king' and her dunno-how-many wives and her guards. haha), and dances, and the teachers. And the cca. The squadmates. The discipline involved. JC was a blur because all of our time was spent on training. I have limited memories of the time spent in classrooms. Most are that of canoeing and huang chen. You can see I used to lead a very disciplined life. Haha.

Is it possible for one to lose her discipline after being too disciplined for the past years? Am I tired of keeping up that image? Is it all a facade? I don't know. I only know I miss the days when I was doing well in school with friends around me. Funny, good friends who never fail to brighten up my school day. The days when everything was kept simple and sweet, when I was relatively good at what I did. Sure there were failures now and then, but I knew at the end of the day, I would do well. Self-confidence, discipline, and my 上进心 are all eroding. Leqi said she felt dead now. Me too. It's like everything you ever had or was proud of are gone. D.E.A.D. Everything's been sucked out from me and I feel like I'm just a living shell. Why why why? Why am I like this? I really hate my current self.

I really do.